4:00 PM
Young Muslims Project
I want to talk about love.
I want to talk about the cliché love, the boy and girl love. I know there are
other kinds of love out there, such as the love for our Creator and Master,
love to our prophet Muhammad (saw), our parents, sisters etc. But today I want
to talk about boy meets girl.
For some of you who think
that romance cease to exist for people who are married, oh boy oh boy have I
got a bubble to burst for you. I’ve met so many uncle and aunties telling me
that once you get married, life gets really tough and all your fantasies and
bubbles are burst. And although I never experienced that, because I thought
they are older and maybe wiser, I thought they might be right. Hmmm… It’s been
nearly 6 years since I’ve been married and for now, I cannot disagree more.
“And one of His signs is
that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them,
and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this
for a people who reflect.”
(30:21)
For those of you who think
that it’s fine to be in love with a guy before marriage and have a boyfriend
girlfriend thingy going on… oh honey, you sure ain’t getting the best deal in
life. I can safely say that girlfriend and boyfriend is anything but ‘finding
rest’. One time you’re so into the guy/ girl, the next you’re fighting. The
platform of girlfriend and boyfriend is so uncertain. You love each other but
you don’t really commit to ‘trying’ to be with each other forever. It is
anything but rest. Even when you decide to do the haram and give each other
hugs, kisses or hang on the phone just the two of you, you’ve barely touched
the surface of ‘finding rest’. All you got is excitement in the spur of the moment
and an intense feeling of being into somebody. I’m not saying you can’t love
somebody unless you’re married to them. It might be possible to love someone
without marriage, but definitely the combination of ‘rest, love and compassion’
is hard to attain unless you are married. You get my drift?
And is ‘rest, love and
compassion’ a guarantee to those who do get to marry? I’m going to be honest
and declare a big NO. Capital N and capital O. But hang on a minute, isn't making a relationship halal with Allah enough. Errr… no dude! Why is this so?
Have you seen couples that
lie to each other? Have you seen people who are in denial of what honesty
means? Have you seen people who are so into prayers, hijab, fiqh issues and are
completely clueless when it comes to ethics and character? I’m not saying these
things (prayers, hijab, fiqh issues) are not important, yes they are. But a
guarantee to rest, love and compassion lies in your relationship with Allah
swt. And this relationship is built with sincerity of trying to improve oneself
though Qur’an and Sunnah. Quran and Sunnah are not to be used cheaply as a
means to be in an argument or to prove that you know better. If you are within
this group please just get over it and know that people can see right through
you. Allah’s guidance (Qur’an and Sunnah)
is a means to get closer to Allah, which is a guarantee of success in this life
and the Akhirah.
“This book is without a
doubt, a guide to those who guard themselves”
(2:2)
And what about those who
marry someone who does have good character? I fall under this group. I married
someone who is way not perfect, but he does have good character, all praises is
due to Allah. If a guy works and provide for his family, is romantic to his
wife, is generous to his family and in-laws, has humor and all, what better deal
would there be right? So is this a guarantee for ‘rest, love and compassion’ in
marriage? Nearly there, but still a NO and why? Because baby this is dunia. Get ready to face challenges, one
after another.
“And We will most certainly
try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and
fruits; and give good news to the patient.”
(2:155)
In a marriage, apart from
the in-laws, you’ve got pregnancy, labor and the baby blues. Then you have the
challenges of bringing children up. You think after labor you get to rest, errr
no! You’ve just begun. And men don’t get any sleep either. Parents of infants
are what I call walking zombies. Hahhaha… Then you have financial difficulties
especially in the beginning of the marriage where the guy is just starting to
build his career. Or the guy might expect you to work or you yourselves choose
to work. And then comes the question of housework. I mean what’s up with the
toilet seat not being able to be put down?! On top of that you have to adapt to
each other’s preferences, perspectives on things and boy I can go on and on and
on. But I am sure you know what I mean.
So even with the best of
character, you've got so many factors that are going to pull you from so many
corners[1] that its so easy to just
put your hands up and say, “I give up.”
Loving a man or woman, has
to first and foremost come from knowing that marriage is yet another form of
getting closer to Allah. If we use the formula given by Allah swt, i.e. to use
marriage as a way to please Allah, then yes, you will find ‘rest, love and
compassion’ as the by product of that intention and actions. And yes I learnt
this the hard way. I thought having a spouse with good character is enough, but
I slowly learnt that I have to let go of my ignorant days of thinking good
character is enough. Although I personally think it is easier than having a
spouse who is ‘religious’ but is completely clueless on how to treat other
people, it still is certainly NOT enough.
Slowly but surely Allah
continue to guide us to ‘rest, love and compassion’. And yes romance is way
better when a man is willing to take the decision to say, “I do”. Should you
compromise if he or she is not willing to say, “I do”? Personally I say no. And
because I hold on to this sunnah.
While I was walking with
'Abdullah he said, "We were in the company of the Prophet and he said, 'He
who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him refrain from
looking at other women, and save his private parts from looking at other women,
and save his private parts from committing illegal sexual relation; and he who
cannot afford to marry is advised to fast, as fasting will diminish his sexual
power."[2]
If you cannot afford
marriage, or you the guy or girl won’t commit to ‘trying’ to be there for each
other forever, I say dish it and start fasting J. As Imam Al-Ghazali says
in his book Revival of the Religious
Sciences, chapter 32 on patience and gratitude: If you don’t have something
be patient. And if you already have what you want, be grateful for ungrateful
can fall into disbelieve.
Allah tests us in different
ways and in no way should we think that just because we have something, it is
because we are better, or we know better. Everything comes from Allah and only
He gives and knows what is good for u. I’m just another sister looking to share
her experience. So with much love, I bid you peace for yet another one of my
attempts to reach out to my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters.
[1] This does not even include
those that suffer from psychological and physical abuse, cheating on a spouse
in relationships.
[2] Narrated by 'Alqama
in Sahih Bukhari Volume 3, Book 31, Number 129.
_______________________________
Sumayyah is currently exploring faith and fashion in Scotland, while awaiting to launch her own life of fashion wear in 2013. She writes on www.love-to-dress.com/
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